Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Up till now, I don't understand at all, why my body will have an emotion called depression. I don't understand at all. And as for the moment, I'm working all my theories to discover why.
It's not a truly negative thing, for I can actually feel a like for depression.
It's neither positive, for it's not like I can feel happy about it, except in the sense that it is a very welcoming sensation to me.
Biologically it's not something I've figured to explain.
Psychologically I don't understand it at all.
Socially, would generations before population conformities evolved have depression?
I don't understand this emotion, and while I can't say therefore I don't need it, I don't see why it should be with me.
However, nor can I see why not should it be with me.
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:03 AM
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Today woke up like, extra early, to send Si Ru to school. Just a simple event, turned into a big one.
And I want to remember this day. It was very... well, just read on.
In the morning to school I only meet like about 6-7 people of which I know. There's this aunty who does morning exercise, there's this uncle and his wife who goes to work on their bike, well the wife isn't always there... Then there's WeiSong's dad, who goes to work opposite I think? The only other person I used to meet is this other girl, one of my neighbours, but didn't see her. The rest of the people I meet in the morning would just be like, very random.
Anyhow, I was walking to the playground, when I saw the aunty. Wasn't thinking about meeting her, so this was a surprise. Usually I'm quite concerned about what happens next, and I try to predict what happens. However, it seems Luck has been with me since morning. Expect the unexpected, this was something that never worked, just till this morning.
So, well, one encounter was okay, so I said hi. I hadn't said my second sentence, the uncle and his wife says hi. I turn, I surprised. Well, this would be the second encounter I met both groups at once, but previously it was with the uncle only.
So, a bit stun, but I said hi, then the uncle goes on what I used to be short and stuff. AND THEN, my neighbour's dad walks past and says hi.
I stun. Totally stun. It wasn't everyday I sent anyone to school, secondary school, it wasn't everyday I woke up at 6 and left house at 6.30. And it had never had a chance to meet three people, four actually. The chances, well, it's pretty darn low.
I'm still shocked at the statistical value of the probability. But Luck is Luck, and when it happens, you can't change it. I love Luck. Lol.
Anyhow, I was sending my friend to school cause wanted to talk about a bit of problem I had, but during the walk to school didn't mention much about it. Mostly reminiscencing about past events. A few personal talks. Missed the old days.
Met this prefect dood I didn't like much, simply because he like very funny in social standing. Well, I think it had to do with seeing me send people to school in the morning. Anyhow, his long pants were altered to look like SKINNIES. Bleah. Guys + Skinnies. Well, my perception of such isn't of the crowd.
Anyhow, walk walk, then met up with this Jason guy, one of my friend's friend. He was wondering why I looked so familiar. Ay, ex-hougean leh deh. Lol. Ex-Hougean, sounds cool. 4 years of memories imprinted in that social ranking position.
Once I sent her off, with that Jason guy, met erm... Nick I think? Who was sending Vincci to school. Former said hi latter smiled. It's good to see people again.
Then I met Wilson on the bus-stop going home. It looked like Wilson, and when I approached, it was! Haha, had fun chatting about who went where and stuff.
He was making a lot of noise about me sending people to school. And I realized, he himself was guilty about that as well. Lol. So I made a lot of noise back!
Anyhow, the whole event was very nice. Meeting odd sorts of people in the morning. Well, did nowhere to solve my problem that I have, but at least it made me happy.
For some reason, I don't think about anything when I'm with my old friends. Don't think at all, don't think what's there to life, why's life like this, what's the reason for doing this, why am I committing to whatever or anything.
And I am not alone in my problems.
Secondary school, the worst foundation of my problems, but like the balance theory, so was the best foundation of my memories.
Totally random, this morning. All thanks to Luck.
And I wonder, when was it that I actually blogged about something normal? When life enters normality, even for just a morning, it doesn't just enter, it crashes into normality.
Wakarimasen; posted at 5:23 PM
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Many of my previous theories on how things work used to, as discovered during the journey of my Psychology course, relied on the social and psychological model.
I've started attributing many of my older works to the newer model, biological aspect, and as of recent I've managed to procure a new theory, on most of my primary actions pertaining to commitment-based items.
I realize why I feel not much remorse, sadness, disappointment, loss and the normal emotions when I quit something or leave a group. And there's no density of presence and benefit theory even to make me feel such feelings. Even as young, I noticed I am more or less completely devoid of multiple emotions that a person is supposed to feel in accordance to a situation, such as death of a close one.
This base-lack of emotions mostly brings about the conversation between my parents and me that I have a low EQ (Lol). But ignoring that fact, coupled with the more or less innate ability to unable to feel a significant loss in the disconnection of commitment-based items, I am guessing that biologically this is a defense mechanism built by my body of which not in general people possess.
Defense mechanism for what? To prevent depression and thoughts of emptiness. For survivability, a biological aspect I have not discovered the true meaning yet. To exist, to move on, to continue the life, of questions why I can't explain, but these are the underlying reasons why I can't feel loss as bad as many others.
Something's about to break again, and this time, I shall see if this biological defense which I think it is a defense will step in.
Biological defense = a resistance to loss to prevent negative emotions from occuring so that the being can continue to exist without their mental faculties being tampered.
Wakarimasen; posted at 10:44 PM
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
What does a toilet and an animal and an edifice and bullets have?
Others feed their loved ones with cakes and sweets, but I only offer water. Then my loved one always have-pee
If someone told me that my loved one is dying, and that there are only two viable ways to save her, one is an operation which has a 50% success rate and the other is to transfer the soul of my loved one into a doe, and asked me which option I would pick, I would pick the transferring of my loved one's soul into a doe, for then my loved one will always be deer to me.
People grow up to have careers that are usually wealthy and prestigious like specialized lawyers or doctors dealing in like forensic or psychology, but I rather be a lowly building-constructor who specializes in making lodges, for then I can please my loved one for I can always give inn to her.
If someone handed me a rifle, and told me that for shooting my loved one that someone would make me the richest person on earth, I would empty the entire magazine at my loved one instantly on the spot, for I will miss my loved one always.
Wakarimasen; posted at 10:02 AM
Friday, July 18, 2008
Spent like 30 minutes laughing.
Here's how it goes.
"hey bryan, what's an emo person who is lame?"
"what?"
"ELMO!"
"..."
"what do you call someone who stands beside emo people who are lame?"
"erm... don't know?"
"Big Bird!"
"..."
There after I started talking about perception. See, there was this dood at the Mensa2 and he was looking terribly depressed. So bryan was like,
"That guy looks very depressed... NO WAIT! We cannot anyhow perceive people! He may not be depressed at all!"
I replied
"Yea true true, his depressed face could be what he perceives to be smiling. I mean, like when he laughs,"
I gave bryan a totally depressed sad face and LAUGHED. Seriously, a sad unsmiling face laughing is HILARIOUS!
So I modified.
Depressed-looking face guy goes around...
"Yo guys, wanna hear a joke?" And then he starts laughing with a depressed sad face.
I laughed to myself for quite awhile. Huda and bryan didn't like the joke.
Thereafter, I stopped laughing. Then I was wondering why not funny anymore to me, so then I said to bryan.
"I farted out all my laughing gas, so now no more laughing gas."
Then I started laughing (by myself) about the funny sentence I just said. When I recovered, I continued.
"Now I breathing back in all the laughing gas (takes a deep breath)."
Then I started laughing again.
Of course, through out the entire journey Bryan and Huda didn't seem terribly happy they went home with me.
Wakarimasen; posted at 8:18 AM
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Under the rain whisper trails across sweeping
Forgotten sentences and innocent phrases
Where one side found the other seeking
Soul and soul chases, just like the captured traces
Numerical reality biting into nothingness
Disobedience of which nigh importance
Just like a kismet struck down by a hammer
Of which was, still will be, weather, just the weather
For clouds who knit together into a silver lining
Icy shards of above departs
Lost into which, a lighted abyss
Drips till the bucket remains full and untouched
Songs of silence falling, losing, mesmerizing,
Why was it dark, why was it strange
Shatter not, procrastination understanding
Under the rain, always under the rain
Where earth meets sky untainted
Where depth meets height unlimited
Where echoes meet reverberations unseen
Where I don't know decides that for once philosophically shall just meet up with I don't care till someone decides to figure out why it is 42
Wakarimasen; posted at 10:21 AM
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Why?
Learning Psychology brought to light many things I did not understand previously.
Why would it be this way?
Why would it be accepted?
Why would it be appreciated?
Why would it be okay?
Why did it develop into this?
Why did such things occur?
Why does it occur?
Why is it possible?
What for, is it continued?
It used to be, question, there has to be an answer.
Some questions don't need answers, not because it's obvious, but because the time isn't right.
And sometimes, because it is easier to live without finding answers that are so hard to come up with, and when we force it out, we don't understand why we say it.
To obtain an answer, there's only one price. Time.
700 million years to answer what is the Answer to Life, the Truth and the Universe; which is 42.
This simple worldwide known sentence, brings me to try to understand something.
Why do we answer as such? What is the reason we say so?
I used to want to know, find out, discover why, explain everything.
For once, life threw a question at me and I didn't want to answer or know what it was.
An understanding that is out of reach for me. Who would have thought it to be?
Biological, Social, Psychological.
Like every general rule, exceptions come along with the package.
And like every normal questions, there are those that whose answers cannot come in words but only in expression.
And there are those questions, who when we say it's just like that, it's not that we're unsure. We don't understand our answer.
Because if we did, there isn't much to look forward to and search in our life if everything could be found on www.zhaosimianswersia.com
Wakarimasen; posted at 10:05 AM
Saturday, July 12, 2008
I made friends with Luck.
Just of recent, I made friends with Improbability.
Luck is something occurring. The definition I have to get it out.
But Improbability is more interesting. It is something that happens that you've never thought of it or thought that it just doesn't happen.
The best thing Improbability can do, is friends with Luck.
The chances of 2 improbable things? Haha, happened already.
Improbability, where when you decide not to let Nature take its course, Nature shrugs you off and guides you.
Chances, coincidences, fates, destinies, kismet.
Not just with life, but everyday minor things. Decisions that worry the heck out of me are solved by mere opportunities and events that seem random.
Interestingly, no matter how much I try to take certain matters into my hand, they just run away and pull me along in the process.
Improbability, what were the chances that I'd write about you?
What were the chances of me blogging back again?
What were the chances, of that incident occurring twice?
For when the skies fall,
For when the sea rises,
For when the decisions call,
For when the others are sacrifices,
After while, when it happens, only oneself can chose to walk forth.
Wakarimasen; posted at 10:38 AM
Friday, July 11, 2008
11th July.
"I think it's gonna rain."
Rain starts pouring immediately.
Wakarimasen; posted at 8:10 AM
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Set my priorities right.
The definition of importance, however, in my opinion,
is made by me.
Wakarimasen; posted at 7:57 PM
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Wabiit.
Found while coming home from compass after buying spider studs.
Found on 2006.
Palm size to arm size.
Fat.
Bites.
Rears only when agitated. Of which only I can make it rear.
Driftable.
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:17 AM
Tea and Coffee
Sugar Cakes and Crushed Sweets
Bread and Chocolate
Milk and a single Glass
Raisins and Sultans
Heart Attacks and Manga
Finally found a manga that CAN give me a heart attack.
Kodomo no Jikan.
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:08 AM
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Sandcastles die faster the more you help.
Just like how quicksand consumes a person faster the more he tries to escape.
Just like every breathe we take we kill the planet one tiny step.
Trying to grab something that doesn't exactly know that you're grabbing it is kinda hard. And when you stop, it reaches out a hand and you wonder what's happening.
Maybe %, yea, %. I keep forgetting.
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:42 AM
I knowpeople xactlywhy
Dt opickup eopledo
Wt hat hat
To heyfirstgetto bviouslybecause
Pd ossess adlyformer
To henlateronasthey ields
Be ecomeawareotherstuff ailed
Yr ieldmore verytimeormostly
Pd rofitable vntill
Bd benefitsthey ourselfthink
Be egintotryto bsoletionis
I gnoreor eallygonna
Le losetheformerand o
Se urelybut ranscends
Ee eventuallydo onboth
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:27 AM
Ate with my parents today. Fishhead steamboat.
Learnt this drink called eeun yang. Coffee/tea hybrid. Taste a bit like chocolate and I suppose more effective than coffee itself?
My dad was fiddling with a tube-like ice with his straw. Following, I took one tube-like ice from my mom's sugarcane drink. I pop it into my mouth and my dad did the same. We looked at each other and laughed.
How long since was it that I laughed with my parents. There was another incident with my mom also, but I forgot the joke.
He spat the ice back into his sugarcane drink, I spat mine onto the floor. Didn't rmb I had my euun yang.
Smiles Laughter. If it can't start from the family, would it start with the world? Repairing what I've lost, restarting from the beginning that I ignored.
I love my Dad. I love my Mom. And I don't need some stupid parent meeting slide presentation to show my love. APEL? I think that's crap to me. But I think, maybe an APEL view will be the focus point of my criticism, which ultimately shows me how I should continue to rectify my own principals, virtues, laws, such that I can continue criticising. Afterall, taking dirt from there to put it here means less dirt there and more dirt here.
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:13 AM
Too much is bad, too little is bad as well. The simplicity of this sentence, I realize, is actually one of the truths of the world.
For everything, this is true, and it's when we cannot live by it do problems appear.
A 100% holy person is the same as someone who's 100% evil. The dumbest act the same as the smartest.
One cannot say evil if he has never possessed it.
One cannot know how to quit without starting.
One cannot fail without success.
One cannot love ignorant of rejection.
A world specialized is what makes the world go round, but only the balanced and hybrids make the world.
90% effort and 20% not can be more effective than 110% total.
Interesting ain't it?
Abusal does not come without need or want.
Perfection is made from the imperfected.
Strong is not without making the weak links.
It's not an eye for an eye theory, it's the tainted theory.
As long as a specialization is tainted, then it will be stronger than a pure.
Alloys are good examples.
And so finalize my third rule in life: Stronger of which is not gained by pure but by taint.
Finally, after so much thinking I got something.
Wakarimasen; posted at 9:03 AM
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Dear Diary,
Today I discovered the Gnommish Airport by Ironforge. It was horribly weird. Strange flying contraptions they call planes were lined side by side. They were all small, but those with that skull sign sure are scary. I got hit by one, and punched him back before I died.
Appearing at some kurnel or khrony place, it started with a K, that's what I know. I decided that I might as well hunt a few gnomes for souvenier. To my dismay, the guards that protected the lowbie area were powerful.
I reappeared at the kurnel place. There isn't much. All snow and snow. Barrens is a much more fun place to be. Anyhow, I found a gnome. It was PvP unflagged. /sad. No matter, I told the gnome /lost, and it managed to figure out how to agree. I guess it must have been puzzled to see a Lv31 Orc Warrior far from his hometown.
Lucky that innkeeper gave me a hearthstone. It's a powerful stone, for it teleports me back to where I last slept, which is on the other continent. 'Pretty far eh? However, that stupid gnome had to fireball me. I even had rez sickness. No matter, finally I took it down, one or two swipes. I got her head somewhere in my backpack, so now at least I got a proper souvenier.
Mom's gonna be proud of me.
Signing off
Ketsudan
Wakarimasen; posted at 10:55 PM
The answer to most of life's ultimate questions.
%
I bet none of you all get it at all. Took me about 4-5 years to get it. Don't expect you all to do.
Wakarimasen; posted at 12:07 PM
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
And I forgot what change meant.
A meteor cascades over the blinking void
A sad illumination that spirals from the heaven
Echos of hope and destiny spills across the land
Once more, the world will burn
D3, coming soon to PCs all around the world.
Lol. Advertising D3. XDXD. Back to emo-ing for losing a dota match.
A meteor cascades over the blinking void
A sad illumination that spirals from the heaven
An event, one of which marks a memory of the watcher
For like the abnormality which cuts the sky, so has inside fissure
The earth has no route of which to seek space
Equal in analogy to the heart and connections
Of which to learn the faked lie or the genuine truth
Each second slower, one second nearer to dissipation
But mere materialism, mere emotion
Crucified and afflicted such is not ignored
What builds artificiality has reasons not to be living
Genetically us will neigh ever be machine
Severed charred ends will burn to another
Fused stronger than last, but so is retention
Escalation into snowballs; metamorphosis into degeneration
Moon watch, for fading into existence a feather of tears
Eviction, sadism, apathy, misery
Retrace or not, none is where position lies
Brink of breaking into the abyss of negation
The only broken paper heart, are the ones torn from the start
Wakarimasen; posted at 8:08 AM
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
I forgot. I forgot a lot of things I said. I forgot a lot of things I said I told myself.
#1 I myself is to blame
#2 Incorporate and change my beliefs whenever the situation calls for it
I am inflicting upon myself the breaking of both rules.
I stopped blogging for a reason. It was to stop thinking about the constant change I was going through and just live life as it is, not being able to immortalize or remember the past if which I fall back on undoes what I have tried.
Change is everywhere and it is continuous. At first I started to think, and then eventually overthink. For now, I've reached that end of the line. Thinking about thinking. I pondered over it countless of times, and this time, I shall just stop thinking.
I have to stop being the small boy I am. Stop being the one who got upset over trivial matters and ignored the big ones that everyone was worried about. Stop trying to be different and act as if I am from a different class, different world from everyone. Stop having that thought that I am special, unique, for out there, surely there would be hundreds just like me. I have to start solving problems, doing well, and stop waiting. No more hesitation, no more confusion. People live their own lives, they do not wait for me. I have to keep up with the changes, the times. I have to start making the first move, keep going headstrong deep into life itself.
I must start acting, and this regards the social model as well. No more should I think about problematic things when I could be it. Just live and go forward. Stepping back helps, but the better walk forward knowing what to do already.
Situation changes, change along with it. No longer should anything to be of my type.
If I don't keep up, then I got to get faster so I can be on par. Never a step forward, never a step backward, remain in synch, incorporate schedules into the world's time and be part of the world.
In short. I have to stop thinking why things work and how it works and why it should or shouldn't work or whether I can make it or not work. I have to start doing, progressing, working, keeping up and not falling back, and figure out all those theories later.
Quitting blogging. you take a step forward because a lot of steps together is called running.
Wakarimasen; posted at 4:18 AM